


God, don't tempt me, I'm weak

by dreamer_of_dreams



Series: Even and Isak Sharing Fears [3]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Isak has a fear, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Past Attempted Suicide, even has a fear, supportive isak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 02:43:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11568663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamer_of_dreams/pseuds/dreamer_of_dreams
Summary: Even lunges forward and channels all of his anxiety into the kiss. He knows it’s rough, he knows that the way he’s clutching Isak’s face and pressing his lips will probably bruise Isak, that it’s much too urgent and desperate and frantic to be enjoyable, Isak’s going to freak out… and he can already feel Isak forming the words “ow, ow ow” against his mouth, Isak pushing at his chest and dragging his face away from Even… and Even lets go.





	1. God, don't tempt me, I'm weak

**Author's Note:**

> This is Even's fear from his POV.  
> (The title is from God Don't Leave Me by Highasakite.)

_Even then I have nothing against life._   
_I know well the grass blades you mention,_   
_the furniture you have placed under the sun._

_But suicides have a special language._   
_Like carpenters they want to know **which tools.**_   
_They never ask **why build**._

-Anne Sexton

 

 

“Turn left in...uh... 90m. That means… here, here. Turn here. That’s the hotel,” Isak guides with his eyes swiveling from the road, the GPS on his phone and the building looming closer, about twenty stories high.

It looks too prestigious and expensive for their combined income, so Even says disbelievingly, “No waaaaay. No way, baby, this is your idea of a date night? We can’t afford this. Are you sure we’re at the right place?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure. Don’t worry about it. The suite has already been paid for.”

“What?!” Even exclaims as he parks the car in the basement of the hotel.

Isak smirks and leaves a short, hard kiss against Even’s gaping mouth, looking all too pleased with himself, “Just wait and see.”

He gets out of the car way too enthusiastically, grabs the two duffel bags that he packed in secrecy, not allowing Even to take a peek or even offer to carry, heads to the elevator that would lead them up to the lobby and waits for Even’s body and brain to catch up with the fact that when Isak said _let’s do something totally different and romantic,_ he meant going big and blowing a hole in their joint account. Even’s a little worried, to be honest. He’s the impulsive one in the relationship. They can’t _both_ afford to be over-the-top. Only one person can make bad decisions financially and that one-person role has been filled by Even.

This must show on Even’s face because Isak huffs out a breath, holds Even’s hand, and says, “Listen, I know what I’m doing. It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” Even laughs a little, but his nervousness betrays him.

 “Okay, look. If you must know, Elias knows this guy who works at the hotel and I bribed him 300 krone and he’s gonna get us in. He’s waiting at the lobby right now. And the money was from what I had left, my dad gave me some last month remember?”

Since when Isak liaises with Elias behind his back, he has no idea. And Elias, that jerk, didn’t even warn a bro. But it also makes his heart skip a beat, knowing that Isak took so much trouble to make this a nice surprise for Even.

Even lets out a breath of relief and nods, “Okay, okay. That’s cheap for a suite. We can afford that.”

It’s not that Even can’t ask his parents for financial help if he needs to. They’re pretty well to do as a family. But ever since he moved in with Isak, he has been trying to prove to…somebody, his parents maybe, or himself, or Isak, or the world at large, that he is capable of being a well-functioning, balanced adult who can earn his living and would make responsible decisions. Well, for the most part, Isak helps him with the latter, he discusses financial matters with Isak a lot, and he can see why. Cause his boyfriend is resourceful like that.

“Yes, we can. Chill. Let’s enjoy this evening.”

He kisses Even breathless till the elevator makes a ding sound and they part to appear decent to whoever is standing at the other side of the elevator door. Isak leans in still and leaves a peck on Even’s shoulder as he moves out of the elevator. It’s a simple gesture, Even hardly felt it through the layer of clothes that Isak forced him to wear for some odd reason, yet it makes Even’s heart swell. His resourceful, wonderful boyfriend. _His boyfriend._ Just thinking that blows his mind sometimes. He can’t help but grin.

Isak walks straight to the receptionist and asks for Abdel. The guy who answers from behind the desk, well, looking over at Isak’s slightly open mouth, Even thinks they can both agree that he is fucking hot. Damn, Elias! He has never even mentioned this guy before.

Abdel says in a practised, professional voice, “Mr Valtersen, Mr Næsheim, welcome. Allow me to accompany you to your suite.”

He grabs a set of keys from the drawer and leads them to the elevator on the other end of the lobby with a gentle _Please_ and a hand gesture. They get into the elevator and he punches his key card number and… Even’s losing vision. He lets out a squawk that he isn’t proud of but he can hear Isak’s laughter against his ear, his breath caressing his temple.

“Relax, baby. I just want to keep this a surprise.”

Even feels the blindfold tighten and then he hears the sound of keys clinking and Abdel says to Isak, “Bro, you need to be out by 6.30 am, alright? 6.30. My shift ends then. I need the keys so I can put them back without anyone noticing.”

Isak answers, “Sure. Got it. Before 6.30. We probably won’t be here all that long anyway. Thank you, man, really appreciate it.”

“Yeah, Elias said your boyfriend’s his bro. Been bros for the longest time,” he feels a friendly pat on his shoulder from the side where Abdel’s standing, hears him say, “Hey man, I’m Abdel. Maybe we’ll hang out one of these days.”

“Even,” he holds out his hand in the general direction with a wide grin. “How do you know Elias?”

“He’s my cousin. We don’t really hang out much unless our families meet up. I’ve been really busy, trying to get through school with this side gig for money. But yeah, we should all hang out together when we can.”

“Of course. Would love to—“Even starts when he hears the elevator ding again.

“Thanks, dude,” Isak says. “You have my number, call me if we need to get out before 6.30, right?”

“Sure, you boys have fun.”

“Thank you, Abdel,” Even holds out his hand again, obviously somewhere farther from where Abdel’s at because it takes him a moment, a small _woops,_ and awkward hand grabbing to shake Even’s hand.

When he hears the elevator door close behind him, Even brings his hand up to remove the blindfold when he feels Isak smack his hand lightly.

He whispers in Even’s ear, “Not yet, baby,” and lightly nibbles his earlobe.

Even can’t help but blush all over. Something about Isak that drives him absolutely nuts, even after all this time living together. Sex with Isak is always new and wild and exhilarating. Well, at least that’s what he thought was about to happen. He’d open the blindfold and find himself in the middle of a suite, Isak naked and lying on a big round bed with red silk covers surrounded by flower petals and scented candles or some shit, like one of those cheesy movies he used to watch when he was younger. Okay, no, he has no shame in admitting that he still watches them. Okay, maybe some shame, but whatever.

Instead, Isak holds his hand, guides him forward a few steps, and says, “We’re going to climb stairs. Put your hand here,” he feels Isak guide his right hand and he feels cold metal, a railing, “and hold my hand tightly. Now, climb as I count. 1… 2…3…”

Together they climb a flight of stairs up to 17 counts. And then Isak says, “Okay, walk now. Walk. Yes,” Isak maneuvers Even's body to the side and then says, “Okay stop. We have another flight of stairs. Ready?”

“Baby, where are we going?”

“You’ll see. Okay 1…2…”

And then he repeats the same physical maneuver and announces one more flight of stairs. By this point, Even’s sweating, his palms clammy and shaky, and it has nothing to do with physical exertion. Even thinks he has an idea where they’re headed and… he doesn’t like it one bit. Not liking is an understatement.

He’s about two breaths away from tugging Isak’s hand and announcing, “No. We’re not doing that.”

In a second, he's going to rip the blindfold off, turn back, and run down the stairs. He starts to open his mouth to tell Isak he can’t do this when he hears the keys jangle and Isak pushing open a metal door. And he feels the rush of cold air and his mind starts panicking. No fucking way that this is his life. If there is a God, which Even doesn’t believe in anymore, if there is one though, Even thinks he’d never forgive him for this sick joke.

He feels Isak tug at his blindfold and he wishes he could tell Isak to just leave it there. It’s the only way he can get through tonight. And when he feels the blindfold fall across his face, he keeps his eyes shut tight while Isak ceremoniously yells TADA! 

He hears Isak giggle, taking a huge breath and say, “Isn’t this fucking amazing? So beautiful.”

So... Isak hasn’t noticed. That Even would rather cut a finger off than spend the night here, on the rooftop of a twenty-story building, with the wind hitting him relentlessly across his face. He opens his eyes slowly, and stands marble-still at the same spot, a few steps past the exit door, and forces himself to breathe. He can do this. For Isak, he can. He can get through a while, maybe an excruciating hour, before he offers to take Isak back home, claiming the night is too cold for his liking. He can do it. All he has to do is last an hour. Hold it together for an hour, damnit.

Isak is rambling about a midnight picnic under the starry sky with city lights, how this is so like the romantic movies Even watches, pulls out a sleeping bag-- goddamnit is he fucking kidding right now? A fucking sleeping bag? And containers of food. Food that he probably went out to buy before Even came home from work because the world knows Isak can’t cook a meal to save his life. How is this Even’s life? Why does everything romantic that Isak tries to do involve some fucking life-or-death stunt for Even?

Isak finally looks over and sees Even’s stunned face. He just laughs a little, approaches Even, stands on his toes, and kisses him. Even lunges forward and channels all of his anxiety into that kiss. He knows it’s rough, he knows that the way he’s clutching Isak’s face and pressing his lips will probably bruise Isak, that it’s much too urgent and desperate and frantic to be enjoyable, Isak’s going to freak out… and he can already feel Isak forming the words “ow, ow ow” against his mouth, Isak pushing at his chest and dragging his face away from Even… and Even lets go.

Isak laughs a little hysterically and says, “I get that this whole romance thing is blowing your mind right now, but we have the whole night. Take it slow, baby,” he leans into Even again.

That… isn’t what Even thought he’d say. And honestly, that isn’t what he wants to hear. The whole night on a rooftop isn't romance, it's fucking hell. He lets Isak kiss him, barely reciprocates, just stands there hating everything that has led them here.

Isak then moves away, walks closer to the other end, too far from the exit for Even’s liking, and raises his arms like fucking Rose from Titanic or some shit. Usually Even would be all for reenacting that scene with Isak but right now, he’s too busy trying to make sure his heart doesn’t give out to find that adorable.

“Come here, Even. It looks even more stunning from here.”

And then Isak does something that makes Even’s restraint snap like a twig, a barely-holding-it-together-in-the-first-place twig. He sits on the ledge. _The fucking ledge._

And Even finds himself barrelling towards Isak, calling out agitatedly, “What the fuck?! Isak, get off there. Get off the ledge, baby, come here, don’t sit there—“

Isak turns to face Even, sitting cross-legged on the ledge, adjusts himself and says cheerfully, “The ledge is big enough to sit comfortably. Come here. Sit next to me.”

“Fucking get off the ledge, Jesus, Isak, get off!”

“What? Baby, it’s—“

“Listen to me, FUCK! Just get off, will you? Please, baby, get off, come to me, walk here.”

Isak looks baffled and smiles nervously, “Even, why are you freaking out? It’s safe, it’s big enough, I’m not gonna fall—“

“You fucking will, Isak, stop it, stop all this and just come here, why are you being so fucking stubborn? Just get off, goddamnit are you out of your fucking mind?”

He can’t move any closer to the ledge himself. He’s standing 5 steps away, can’t reach out and pull Isak off. In fact, he’s more afraid of doing that cause what if Isak struggles and pulls back and falls or something?

Isak looks… well, he looks irritated when he enunciates slowly and clearly like he is speaking to a 6 year old, “The only way I will fall is if I jumped. Okay? There’s no way I’m gonna fall sitting like this. And I’m not about to jump, so will you calm the fuck down?”

And that… Even trembles where he stood and pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to take a ragged breath and his body jerks into a panic attack. He’s bending over, trying to get his lungs to work, his vision swimming, yet being so acutely aware of how far away Isak is, how he’s still on the ledge, his mind unhelpfully supplying _not safe not safe get off._

The next thing he knows, Isak’s pulling him away, grabbing their bags and heading straight to the exit door with Even on his heels, unlocks the door, guides Even out, and Even hardly knows what he’s doing, body moving on autopilot, the wet sound of him gasping like a fish out of water echoing against the narrow staircase walls, tripping on the stairs on his way down, Isak is saying something, he’s talking, Even sees his lips move on his distraught face, hears distorted sounds, but can’t register anything. And then he sees Isak fumble with his phone and drop it, sees the battery fall out, Isak shouting something before reassembling it, hand still holding Even’s arm, squeezing hard, and then he makes a phone call.

And by the time the elevator opens and he sees Abdel inside, Even can breathe a little again, and his vision clears up slowly. He blinks away the tears welling in his eyes. Isak’s saying something to Abdel, he hears his stuttering voice but can’t make out the words.

When they finally step out of the building, Abdel hauls them a cab because Even’s in no condition to drive back and Isak doesn't know how to drive. Abdel reassures Isak that he will look after the car for the night and  he can get Elias to drive it back in the morning to the apartment.

Inside the cab, Isak touches Even’s cheek and mutters, “Baby—“

Even just pulls away. He looks out of the window, feeling slightly more in control of his breathing, but suddenly angry. He’s pissed. At Isak. He knows it’s unreasonable, he knows he never told Isak that the last time he was at a rooftop by himself, he was about to jump. That's the infamous story of his botched attempt at suicide. His father pulled him back from the ledge, kicking and screaming, struggling with all his might, trying to get out of his father's grip to jump headfirst. He wanted so badly to just fucking die and put an end to his diseased mind. He thought Mikael was repulsed by him, his best friend, his family, the boy he was deeply in love with at the time. He thought he was going to hell, that everybody hated him, that Elias would spit on his face if he ever dropped by his house again. He felt so alone, nothing made sense, nothing had meaning, he was dragging behind a dead weight, a rotting corpse, making his parents' lives a living hell, and he wanted to quit.

And being anywhere near a ledge is terrifying because like Isak said, the only way he could fall is if he intended to, if he jumped, pushed himself off the edge. And the only way he’ll find out if he still wants to is if he climbs on that ledge in the first place. Though his life with Isak has been nothing short of amazing, despite the highs and lows, his gut says that given the choice and chance, he _might_ still do it. It has been almost three years, life has been relatively good, but he’s still waiting for the fallout everyday, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for life to take the same turn it did years ago, and if he could possibly end it before it gets that bad again, he just might. He can’t tell for certain that he wouldn’t at least, and that is reason enough to never step into a rooftop, no matter how romantic the movies portray them. Because life is agony for the most part, like the inky expanse of a sky, endless, constantly present pain, with star-studded moments of lucidity and contentment. The stars may or may not be perceptible to human eye on any given night, but the sky though, with its darkness like a gaping absence, like a hole that can never be filled, the sky is unfailing. So is the nature of life. The suffering is unfailing and inevitable.

And just like any suffering man, boxed into a corner, helpless and distraught, would attack in anger, Even can’t help but lash out when Isak tries to get him to look at him, to explain himself.

“Isak, seriously, fuck off! I mean it. Just… shut up for a while.”

And he sees Isak’s face, scrunching in hurt, frowning for a second before unfurling into indifference. And he moves away quietly, leaving Even to sulk on his own. Even has a fleeting moment of dread, wanting to reach out and wipe that expression off Isak’s face, and then he thinks fuck it. He just can’t deal with Isak right now. He can worry about him tomorrow. After all, it’s Isak who said they should live minute by minute. And in this minute, Even is going to look out for himself and do what he needs to do to yank his mind out of the abyss it's slipping into. Isak will have to look after himself for tonight.  

 

 


	2. A needle is a shitty way to leave.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even made it cheesier by sketching an image of Isak and Even cupping hands, wildflowers sprouting from between their fingers, with the caption, "The world will try to kills us, but love like ours is self-sown and too deeply rooted to die easy. Like the dandelions, we’ll grow over and over."
> 
> It was so sappy that Isak laughed and laughed till he cried. Yes, that’s why he cried. Because he laughed so hard his stomach hurt. Not because he felt like he was bursting at the seams with how much he loved this boy, how afraid he was of seeing him walk away someday, because that’s what happens right? People, no matter how much you love them, leave. That is a fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Isak's POV. There are some references made to earlier fics in this series, "Oxygen Masks" and "Dear Forgiveness, i saved a plate for you." You can read this fic on its own but it will give you a better contextual understanding to read the others too. :)

_Go slow._  
_I’m new to this,_  
_but I **have** seen nearly every city from a rooftop_  
_without jumping._  
_I **have** realized that the moon_  
_did not have to be full for us to love it,_  
_that we are not tragedies_  
_stranded here beneath it._

\- Buddy Wakefield

  
  
  
Isak has no idea what the fuck just happened. He has half a mind to grab Even by his scarfed neck and shake him hard enough until some sort of explanation drops out of his mouth like loose change. Isak is livid, okay? And it’s justified. That asshole boyfriend of his has no consideration whatsoever to how hard he had worked to make this surprise happen. He has no idea what it meant to Isak.

You see, it isn’t easy for Isak to know how to be the boyfriend Even needs. This whole relationship business comes easy for Even. He just instinctively knows what to do, what to say, he makes this shit look effortless. Maybe because he had been with Sonja for the longest time, and there must have been a time when they both loved each other with the same ferocity that Isak and Even love each other now, but that line of thought doesn’t make Isak feel any better, so fuck that.

Even is just… he’s fucking wonderful to be with. It scares Isak. Once a week, they go on a date, because now that Even’s working so hard, time has become a resource that runs out for both of them, even though they live together. Usually, Even is in charge of date night. Isak handles the financials, so Even would ask him for a certain amount of money and he’d plan the night. The first of such dates, Even cooked a glorious three-course meal and he lit up a candle and gave Isak a bunch of wildflowers and garden weeds that he picked on his way home.

He made it cheesier by sketching an image of Isak and Even cupping hands, wildflowers sprouting from between their fingers, with the caption _, The world will try to kills us, but love like ours is self-sown and too deeply rooted to die easy. Like the dandelions, we’ll grow over and over._

It was so sappy that Isak laughed and laughed till he cried. Yes, that’s why he cried. Because he laughed so hard his stomach hurt. Not because he felt like he was bursting at the seams with how much he loved this boy, how afraid he was of seeing him walk away someday, because that’s what happens right? People, no matter how much you love them, leave. That is a fact. His dad stayed with his mum through all of her bad days, her moods, her abuses, but one day, he packed his bags and announced he was leaving. And it wasn’t even on a bad day for it to be justified. His mum had been fine the whole week, she even woke up in the morning and made them breakfast.  
  
She kissed his dad’s cheek that day, mumbling "Good morning, love"… and he replied, “We need to talk.”

But Isak promised Even they’d live minute by minute, so he laughed and he cried and he kissed Even slowly like they had all the time in the world and they made love and… well, Even skipped work the next morning cause he was too tired. So, no. Cooking three course meals on a Wednesday night isn’t the way to go if they want to sustain this ritual of date nights.

After that, they switched to Friday nights for a while. Even would bring him to the museum, to the art gallery, to opera, although neither of them knew what the fuck they were looking at or what it all meant. But it was nice. Even pretended to critique an art piece about being too grandiose to be sublime like he was writing for the papers and Isak threw in random names like Pablo Picasso, Vincent Van Gogh, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, (yes, one of them is not like the others) with his hand gesturing like an Italian passionately passing remarks on spaghetti sauce, and old rich people staring at art pieces with a glass of wine looked at them derisively, like idiots, and they laughed it off because they _are_ idiots and fuck old, rich people.  
  
The only artist that Isak cares about is Even. But Even knows quite a bit about art when he isn’t trying to sound dumb to make Isak laugh, so after the whole night bumming around in an art gallery that they paid substantial amount of money to get in, Even laid down with Isak on the bed, googled up images of the art they saw earlier, and talked to him about it, pointed out something hidden in the background, told stories about the painter, and it was beautiful to hear Even quietly murmur in the dark about art while stroking Isak’s belly. So beautiful that Isak had that feeling again, like he was much too small to contain a love this overwhelming.

At the Natural History Museum, Isak took the reins. Especially at the gay animals exhibition. He had so much to say because he has read so much about homosexuality among animals, back when he felt like he had to prove a point to Sana about God and nature and homophobia. And if Even tilting his head to the side and grinning at him, calling him the smartest boyfriend in the world, served as an incentive to info-dump, well, who can blame Isak?

The opera though, that was utter nonsense. They had no idea what the fuck was happening and they kept making silly commentaries to pass time, and people around them were getting so infuriated with them snickering and giggling. But for reasons unbeknownst to both of them, at the end when the lover dies and the woman sang her sorrows, trilling at a pitch high enough to pierce the skies and make it rain around them, they both silently cried, but neither mentioned it after to retain some semblance of dignity. They’re good for each other like that.

And that is why Isak always feels the need to go big when he plans for dates. Because Even is so effortlessly good at making any moment romantic. And Even _loves_ love. He watches so many sappy, melodramatic, romance movies and Isak feels like he is set up against those standards somehow. That’s why he planned the trip to Morocco but that went to shits before they even got off the plane. While Even did cheer up and they did have fun a day after they landed, there was an unspoken, underlying worry about the flight back home, permeating even the most joyful of moments. It didn’t get any easier on the flight to Oslo, but this time Isak was more prepared. He made Even chew a gum to relieve the pressure in his ears, held him tight against his chest, and sang “I’m Yours” in Even’s ears when the flight took off. And if people gave them peculiar looks, well, fuck people.

Isak really thought he hit a jackpot this time with the whole rooftop idea. He was actually about to book an expensive suite when he was lounging on Mahdi’s couch, thinking maybe it wouldn’t be all that bad to spend every last penny his dad gave him for emergency purposes on a good date night, not all bad if it could make Even happy, if Even could look at him the way he does when he is as speechless as Isak, if he'd rub their noses together and rest his forehead against Isak's, and tell him how much he loves, how he has never loved anyone the way he does Isak, how Isak is an exception to so many rules, then perhaps, it would be worth it to go broke for a month.

But Mahdi said, “Nah bro, you crazy? You know, Elias has got a cousin working in a hotel? We went over once for drinks on the rooftop,” because apparently, Mahdi’s best buddies with Elias now.  
  
At that very moment, Isak could have kissed Mahdi with how excited he got. That’s a million dollar idea, sooo like the movies. And Elias is best buds with Even and would do anything for his friends. He was going to beat Even’s streak of winning at dates with this one, he really thought he was. And then maybe, Isak wouldn’t feel so inadequate and undeserving of a boy who loves him as intensely as the goddamn movies.  

But no, life isn’t that simple for Isak. Cause he obviously fucked something up in his own excitement of wanting to receive the Best Boyfriend Award from Even. But seriously though, Even is being such a pain in the arse right now. The disappointment of a failed plan and the nagging worry about Even’s panic and the hurt stemming from Even's rejection have all culminated into cold, bitter anger. And Isak knows, he just knows that if he speaks to Even with this resentment still buried under the surface, a single wrong word or gesture or even a beat of untimely silence from Even will make Isak explode and he will say awful things. Utterly shitty, monstrous things that he can never take back. So, no. Fuck Even. He can sulk on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're not done yet. Breathe. Next chapter will be up soon. Meanwhile, tell me what you think about this one, friend. :)


	3. Creator of my awful mind, you crossed the line this time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s starting to miss Even. He’s still pissed, don’t get him wrong, but maybe he’s ready to talk this shit out. He knows Even, knows that the boy can’t verbalise his issues to save his life when he is caught in the moment, but give him time, he’ll come around and he will try to articulate in one way or another. And Isak thinks he’s ready for that.

_I know what it’s like to drag a [wo]man out of a cold war_   
_and then being too worn to clean up the battlefield that it has made of you..._   
_your heartbeat sounded like gun shells tripping over battered cement._

\- Jasmine Mans

 

Isak thought time and space would help. But as he lies next to Even on their shared bed, with his back to Even and Even’s back to his, with the physical and emotional distance between them palpable, it makes Isak angrier by the minute. He knows Even isn’t asleep, because he usually snores a little when he has dozed off. The way he’s holding his body absolutely rigid and without any movement… Isak knows he is still awake. And Isak knows this because it’s fucking 3.28 am and _he_ is still awake and the insomnia above all, is making him hate Even a little.

That fucker didn’t even open his mouth and say a single word since he told Isak to fuck off six and a half hours ago. As soon as they reached home, Isak took off his clothes and went straight to bed. Even, fucking Even, took to washing dishes, cleaning the counter, folding clothes, mopping the floor, arranging food in the fridge, and God knows what else. Doing all the shit Isak can never get him to do on a good day without kissing him and asking sweetly at least thrice. So, now that they’re not talking, what, he thinks he’s gonna get away with cleaning the entire fucking house before he goes to bed? As though Isak is going to wake up in the morning and swoon at the sight of a squeaky clean kitchen floor and call him his knight in shining armour and forget how big of an asshole he was the night before.

He’s so fucking pissed, he wants to pull at Even's shoulder and shout at him. Instead, he turns over onto his belly so abruptly and aggressively that the bounce of the mattress almost pushes Even off the edge that he’s perched on. But Even just lies there, still and quiet. Fucking quiet. Isak hates it so much that he purposely pulls at the blanket to piss Even off, but Even doesn’t move, doesn’t pull back, doesn’t make an exasperated noise.

When Isak wakes up, he must have dozed off some time after, Even’s side of the bed is empty and his phone is still fixed to the charger, indicating 11.09 am along with the ‘Battery is fully charged (100%)’ notification. He gets up, takes a shower, opens the fridge for food and the sight of an organised, neat fridge reminds him of last night and he gets furious all over again, grabs his phone and jacket and keys and leaves to Jonas’ place.

They smoke weed the whole day. Jonas is not the kind of guy who asks questions and Isak appreciates that. If he needed a heart-to-heart talk, he’d go to Magnus. If he needed advice, he’d go to Sana. But he needs to be a normal teenager with normal problems, who doesn’t have to think about his boyfriend’s panic attacks and tantrums, so he goes to Jonas and well, Jonas, he gets that.

At around 8 pm, he gets a call from said boyfriend. Even must have just returned from work and found Isak gone. He doesn’t pick up, but because Isak isn’t entirely an asshole, he sends a text saying, “stayin over at jonas 2nite.” He gets no reply. Classic Even.

The next day, Jonas calls Mahdi and Magnus over and they drink beers, talk about Magnus’ problems, Vilde this and Vilde that. Isak wants to roll his eyes and say something snarky but if Magnus’ attention is focused on his own relationship, he won’t look over and ask Isak about Even’s whereabouts or read too much into Isak’s noncommittal shrug and that would be better for Isak. At night, they go to a party, this girl that Mahdi knows, Isak doesn’t bother asking for details. At 8 pm, before Even could call, Isak copy pastes the same text, “stayin over at jonas 2nite,” and turns off his phone because his battery is at 14% and Jonas is the kind of asshole that uses an iPhone and Isak did not have the foresight to bring his charger.

When he wakes up and his hungover brain catches up, it’s 9.09 am on a Friday, two days after the Wednesday night fiasco, and he thinks maybe it’s time to go home. He’s starting to miss Even. He’s still pissed, don’t get him wrong, but maybe he’s ready to talk this shit out. He knows Even, knows that the boy can’t verbalise his issues to save his life when he is caught in the moment, but give him time, he’ll come around and he will try to articulate in one way or another. And Isak thinks he’s ready for that. He won’t explode and hurt Even when he comes home from work and stands by the door awkwardly, unable to maintain eye contact. He thinks he might even pull Even in for a kiss and cuddle him until he’s ready to talk. Yeah, he misses Even. A lot. Fuck.

So, he takes a shower at Jonas’ place, eats some toast, and walks home. When he is near his apartment complex, he turns on his phone and along with the, “Battery needs to be charged (11%)” notification, he sees a text, 7 phone calls from Even, 3 from his neighbour, Astrid, 1 from an unknown number, 2 from Even’s mum, and 4 voicemails. His heart drops so hard that he almost feels like he is about to kneel over and dry heave. Fuck!

He opens the text first because his hands are shaking and he’s breaking into a cold sweat and voicemails require him to type numbers and he just can’t.

_i done been through so much in my life that i be praying on my knees like lord forgive me please all I want to do is live my life so i want live in high degrees oh lord forgive me please stayed up in that jungle with my patnas we was trappin all the trees so lord forgive me please this be the realest song i ever wrote this be the realest song i ever wrote_

It’s a song. Even texted him a song. And Isak, as much as he wishes with all his might that the voicemails will just be an angry _When are you coming home, Isak? You can’t just stay out forever_ and Even’s mother being all like _Hi, Isak. Just called to see if you and Even wanted to drop by for dinner. I’m making steaks and potatoes. Alright, love you boys_ , he knows. He just fucking knows this life doesn’t hold back punches.

He listens to the voicemails with trembling hands, eyes welling with tears, and stabs at the elevator button of his apartment complex with enough aggression that his pointer finger hurts.

*Beep* _**baby I got this brilliant idea I know exactly what you will love it’s gonna be great really it’s fucking fantastic really I’m gonna give you your parallel universe I’m gonna give you yellow curtains and infinite time together when you come home you’re gonna love it Isak I promise I love you I love you in every universe and I’m gonna make this one the best.** _ *short burst of laughter* _ **This is so fucking awesome you have no idea what I ---** *_ Beep*

The second voicemail was just extremely loud music and Even saying something in the background but he can’t make out the words. Isak opens the door to his apartment as the third voicemail plays.

*Beep* _I **sak, Astrid here. I tried calling you but your phone is turned off. You told me to tell you if Even seems to go… you know. He’s playing the music so damn loud that the other neighbours have called the cops on him. The cops are in your house right now and Even is screaming at them and... and.. it doesn’t look good. They’re all screaming at each other I don’t know what to do… I’m gonna go tell the cops that… I’ll tell them I’ll tell tell them he’s crazy yeah they’ll let him go if I--** *_ Beep*

The smell of paint is so strong that Isak coughs and heaves and his eyes are burning from the paint fumes trapped within closed doors. There are five buckets of yellow paint, one just tipped over and spilt all across the floor, two open and half empty, half the walls in the living room painted yellow, the curtains are soaked and dripping with yellow paint, crusting over from being left to dry in paint, the kitchen counter is messy and drying over with yellow paint, it’s fucking horrendous in here.

He sees the stool against the wall tipped over, the boombox that Even bought online and had it shipped because it reminds him of a movie where this guy holds a boombox over his head to serenade his girlfriend and Even thought it was so romantic... that boombox is on the floor, broken, cassette spilling out of it.  

Isak pounds his fist on Astrid’s door in panic as he listens to the last voicemail. Even’s mother.

*Beep* _**Isak, Even is with me. He is back home with us and he is safe. Do call me as soon as you get this message. I hope you’re safe too. Call me.** *_ Beep*

He hears Astrid shout, “Coming, coming! Stop fucking knocking already!” and opens the door looking like she is about to scream at the person on the other hand but calms down as soon as she sees him.

“Even—“ Isak starts but chokes cause he’s crying so hard and he’s about to have an anxiety attack and his mind is telling him to run to Even’s parents place but he has already knocked on Astrid’s door and his body doesn’t understand what it wants him to do.

“I told the police that Even is crazy and --”

“He’s not fucking CRAZY, JESUS STOP SAYING THAT! ”

Astrid looks taken aback for a moment, at loss for words and she tries to calmly explain, “I’m sorry, yes, I just… well… the cops… I showed them the list you keep in the drawers, emergency contacts, and they called you but I told them your phone… you weren’t picking up and then they called his mum… and the cop tried to calm him down… Even he…he was talking about some brilliant idea he had… and when the cop turned off the radio, Even kicked the stool and the radio and the paint and was just going ballistic about them not understanding him and then his parents came over and they handled it. I came back home cause I… I don’t know what I could have done. I’m sorry.”

Isak takes a ragged breath and walks away quickly, running down the stairs without saying anything to Astrid. He has to see Even or he’s gonna fucking die of a heart attack or something. He shouts for a cab and gets in it, struggles to open up the address book in his phone with his hands shaking like that, finally shoves it at the cab driver's face and thank whatever goodness that is left in this world because the driver knows the place and says nothing throughout the whole ride. Isak calls Even’s phone, it’s turned off. He then calls Even’s mum, she picks up on the fourth ring.

“Hello. Isak?”

“How’s… how’s Even? I’m coming to your place.”

“He’s asleep now. He’s passed the manic stage. You just come over. We’ll talk.”

Isak puts down the phone and he thinks he has never been more afraid in his life, but his mind revisits the day Even walked out naked in the middle of the night and maybe, being this fucking terrified, feeling like his heart is gonna stop pumping at any given moment, this terror is a constant, a part of the bargain of being in a relationship with Even and he doesn’t know how long he would fucking last. God, he loves Even more than anything in this world, but he doesn’t know if he can do this anymore. He doesn't know how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think cause I'm making myself sad writing this. :'( Give me the strength to forge ahead.


	4. God, don't leave me, I'll freeze.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He bides time until either the fever in his head breaks. Or Isak does.
> 
> And then one day it happens. He turns over and Isak’s gone. He closes his eyes and sleeps again because if he doesn’t, if he ponders on Isak for even a moment, he thinks he’d die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've stayed with me till the end, thank you. I love you, friend. :)

_if my heart_   
_really broke_   
_every time I fell from love_   
_I’d be able to offer you confetti by now._   
_But hearts don’t break..._   
_they bruise and get better._   
_We were never tragedies._   
_We were emergencies._

\- Buddy Wakefield

  
  
Time doesn’t tick away when you’re depressed. It stalls and lingers and stretches and folds into itself over and over and over, taunting with its endlessness until there is nothing more suffocating than the thought of having too much time left in your hands, until you finally decide to cut it short. Even’s been here before. This same bed, this same weight pressing down on him, time and time again.

He waits it out, because he doesn’t want to give into the temptation of escaping the tyranny of time for once and for all. He would only regard death as a mistress, a flight of fancy, a coin trick to pass the time. He might yearn for her, but he wouldn’t let himself open the door for her. Not this time. Not with Isak lying next to him in his childhood bed night after night... he can’t even tell how long it has been. Except that he’s always there. Only ever leaving to use the toilet or to talk to his mum. He hears the quiet drone of their voices in the kitchen, the sound of cutlery clinking. Then he’s back with hot tea or soup or toast or something else that Even would leave untouched. Isak lies down next to him, wraps his arms around Even where he is cocooned beneath blankets, and just hold him like he knows. Like he knows that Even will float away if he doesn’t .

Even sleeps. He’s tired always. He’s hungry always. He’s hurting always. So, he sleeps. Occasionally he’ll hear Isak’s phone vibrate, the sound of Isak’s fingers tapping against the screen. Sometimes a call that Isak would pick up, walk into the toilet to attend it, and Even would shut his eyes tighter and block out the sound of his voice because he knows Isak’s talking about _him_ to someone.

He wonders what he says though. When he lets his mind go there, he wonders if Isak tells all his friends how crazy he is, how he hasn’t showered in days and smells like sweat and dead, rotten things, how he wishes he could leave, hang out with Jonas, do something other than lie next to this pathetic excuse of a human being and mope all day. And then he finds himself unable to feel anything. Isak can say what he likes. No tears left in Even to cry. No hurt, no anger, no feelings. Just exhaustion. Tired. So fucking tired. And he sleeps. And he bides time until either the fever in his head breaks. Or Isak does.

And then one day it happens. He turns over and Isak’s gone. He closes his eyes and sleeps again because if he doesn’t, if he ponders on Isak for even a moment, he thinks he’d die.

His mother brings him food that day, not Isak. And this time he eats because she’s holding a spoon against his mouth and wouldn’t stop pressing. And she does it again and again until the bowl is half empty, and he goes back to staring at the wall. Sleep has finally failed him, like everything else.

The sun rises and falls and it makes no sense to Even. How does the world still move, continue on, carrying everyone’s pain with it? He hears the sound of a lawnmower, his mother’s neighbour, and he thinks fuck that guy. Why does he do that? Walk out of his house in daylight, push around a fucking machine to keep the lawn pretty, like any of that fucking makes a difference. He gets to walk back into his house to a wife and kids who love him, who would have breakfast with him as soon as he finishes his chore. Why does he get to be okay? What’s so special about him? Why is he blessed like that?

Even doesn’t get to be that guy. His parents don’t get to be that guy _because_ of Even. And he thinks maybe, maybe Isak will get to be _that_ normal... now that he's left. Without Even, he might have that life. Where the dullest part of his day is waking up in the morning and mowing the fucking lawn. Like his biggest concern is some fucking weed and grass growing in his garden. And he thinks... he’d want that for Isak. But he also thinks he’d want to be the family on the other side of the door, waiting for Isak to walk in again.

When his dad approaches him with a basin of soapy warm water, having to wipe down his grown son for the fifth time this week, because he has the misfortune of looking after a wrecked, dysfunctional human being, Even finally gets out of bed. His dad kisses his head and asks him how he’s doing and Even grunts, stumbles into the bathroom and shuts the door. He showers for an hour because he got tired within minutes and decided to sit in the tub with the water running over his head.

From time to time, he hears someone knock the bathroom door and he says, “Okay.”

He says okay because if he doesn’t, his dad might try to break in. He hasn’t gotten over the day Even fought him to jump off the building. When he leaves the bathroom, just like he expected, he sees his dad, pacing the room, waiting for him to come out. His dad walks over with another towel in his hands, makes Even sit on the edge of the bed, and dries Even’s hair. He wonders if his dad wishes that he had been a second too late to get to Even, that Even had jumped before he could grab his son by the waist and drag him off the ledge, if the pain of losing his son forever would somehow be more manageable than losing him like this, intermittently, over and over. He climbs into bed and stares at the wall, nursing time as it crawls until it’s old enough to run.

When he wakes up again, Isak’s there, next to him. Spooning him from the back. And his heart races and time moves and the fog in his head lifts a little. He turns over in Isak’s arms and looks at him. Isak is tracing the pattern on Even’s blanket, his eyes fixed on the movement to notice Even staring at him.

When he looks up and sees Even’s eyes open, he jumps a little. “Even? Baby...?”

Even just looks at Isak, at his long eyelashes and sharp cheekbones and sturdy jaw. What is Isak doing here?

He thinks he said that out loud because Isak says, “I’m here. With you.”

“Why?” Even croaks, voice unused and sleep rough.

“Because where else will I be?”

“I’m only going to hurt you, Isak.”

Isak looks at his Adam’s apple as he swallows, no longer meeting his eyes.

Even adds, “I’ve already hurt you. You did something nice for me and I hurt you.”

“It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about that right now.”

Even shakes his head because he wants this to end now. Dragging this out will be unfair for Isak. It will be selfish of Even. Just because he only desires living when he is with Isak, doesn’t make it right for him to deprive Isak of a living that could possibly be much better without him in it.

“You have to leave me.”

“What?” Isak asks, startled.

“ _You_ have to, Isak. Cause I won’t do it.”

“Good, cause you shouldn’t,” Isak says, frowning.

“This isn’t living.”

“Yes, it is. What are you—“

“No. Lying in my bed like this, waiting for me to be a person again isn’t living. It’s not fair. You need to leave me. You must--”

“No,” Isak says, his face determined.

“Baby, please—“

“No, you listen to me, Even. I’m not fucking leaving. And neither are you. Cause you are wrong. This _is_ living. Life isn’t like the movies. We don’t get to rehearse what the fuck we’re gonna say or do. Sometimes, I make mistakes. I get angry, I panic, I get tired. Sometimes, you do. We’re gonna hurt each other, you’re right about that. We’ll fuck shit up cause… cause this isn’t the movies, okay? You don’t... damnit you don't get to save me, Even. And I don’t get to save you. Nobody saves anybody. Because nobody’s the fucking hero. Me lying here, waiting for things to get better is part of living with you. Just like you having to wake up at night and sit with me when I can't sleep is living with me. And I want this. I want this with you. You don’t get to tell me how to feel about you, or what you think I should do, or what’s fucking fair. Cause there's no such thing as right and wrong, fair or not. I’m here, man. That’s all there is to it. I’m here and you’re here and I love you. That’s life. What we have right now is life.”

Even blinks and after weeks of feeling numb, like he is dead within, the tears that fall on his pillow are a reprieve. Like exhaling a long-suffering breath after having to hold it in till you’re blue in the face. He pulls Isak against him, presses his face into his chest, and cries. And from the way Isak’s body trembles, he thinks Isak is crying too.

Even gasps out, “I’m sorry.”

“I know, baby. I'm sorry too. I’m sorry I wasn’t home when… when it happened.”

And when Even thinks about the “it” that Isak is referring to, he cries harder. Later, he’s exhausted and can safely say that he has spent all his tears, looking at Isak’s t-shirt that is soaked where he pressed his face, he waits for Isak to remove his t-shirt and turn the pillow over because it looks like Isak too has drenched the pillow with his tears. Even confesses that he has absolutely ruined their home. And that he would understand if Isak changes his mind about being with him after seeing the state of their apartment.

“I know. I was there,” Isak says simply, stroking Even’s head that’s resting on his bare shoulder.

Even closes his eyes and groans cause fuck. Isak knows what he did then.

“It’s okay, baby. It’s taken care of.”

“How?”

“Your dad. He called someone up to repaint the house. Gave me money to change the curtains and the mattress. That’s where I went yesterday. To get stuff. I got yellow curtains, by the way," Isak nudges Even's head, smiles when he looks up. "We can move back in within the week, when it doesn’t reek of paint anymore. Until then, your mum said we can live here.”

Even groans again, feeling like an absolute failure. He wanted to live independently, without troubling anyone, but he is always fucking shit up.

As though Isak could hear his thought, he says, “Don’t worry about it. I told him that we’re only taking a loan from him. We will pay him back. I’ll make sure of it.”

“I’m sorry for dragging you into this, Isak.”

“You’re not dragging anyone into anything. Shit happens. Baby, look here, look at me.”

He continues when Even moves his head from his chest to the pillow nearby and looks into his eyes, “You need to understand that not everything is _about_ you. I mean… that didn’t come out right. What I’m trying to say is as much as _my_ world does revolve around you, you don’t make everything happen. Sometimes, things happen outside of our control. You can’t take accountability for shit like that. Okay? The entire planet is just a speck of dust in the universe. A pale blue dot. So tiny. I saw this documentary once, you gotta watch it, then you’ll get it. And we, we are so much smaller than this world. We are practically insignificant to the world. The world… it’s like... it’s indifferent. It doesn’t care what you and I do. Nobody’s watching us, saying we can only make this many mistakes, and then poof… the end of the world. No. We’re still here. And _we_ know what we’re going through and we have each other and nobody else is judging us but ourselves. You just have to let things go, accept that life fucking sucks, that everything gets messy sometimes, but it isn’t on you. And it isn’t on me. And if we keep feeling sorry about everything that goes wrong, we’ll just grow fucking grey hair by the time we turn 21. You get it? And then we’ll just be ugly and old. So… let it go.”

Even snorts. He can’t believe that of all the things Isak has said, this is what makes him feel better. That the world doesn’t revolve around him. That he is a practically insignificant, tiny speck of dust in a pale blue dot, orbiting the sun. The universe is too big and terrifying for him to imagine, it still makes him panic a little when he tries to think of the magnitude of that. But the fact that he gets to have this, he gets to make mistakes and be forgiven, still be loved, still be given a chance to love Isak the way he deserves to be loved, with everything Even’s got, the knowledge that he cannot damage anything irreversibly because he himself is too tiny in this universe to do such a thing, it’s liberating. It’s only him and Isak then. Minute by minute.  

“Can I kiss you… this minute?” Even asks.

Isak smiles, leans forward, and kisses him, sweet and chaste and gentle and insistent, Isak’s fingers tracing Even’s cheekbones, Even’s hand pressed above Isak's heart.

“What will I do without you?” he whispers against Isak’s lips.

Isak hums as he presses his nose against Even’s, “Guess we’ll never have to find out.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it. Please share your thoughts with me if you have any. Would appreciate it a lot. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry to end this chapter on an angsty note. I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter, thank you. :)  
> The next chapter will be a continuation of this but it's Isak's fear. 
> 
> (If you have not heard the song "God Don't Leave me", it's from Skam S2 btw, I do suggest you listen to it cause  
> 1\. Beautiful, haunting song.  
> 2\. The song captures the experience of losing one's mind for me.  
> 3\. It fits the mood I'm trying to create in this fic for both Even and Isak)


End file.
